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Dealing with Insecurity in Relationships

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One of the most common issues we encounter in our intimate relationships is the insecurity of one or both partners. And while insecurity can often masquerade as a doting or adoring partner in the early phases of a relationship, it inevitably evolves into destructive patterns that can tear two people apart.

How to Identify Insecurity in You or Your Partner

1. Arrogance/being aloof. When someone acts towards a relationship as though they can "take it or leave it", or in selfish ways, chances are they're hiding a fear of being vulnerable which comes with true intimacy.

2. Needing to know where things stand too early. When we're unable to enjoy getting to know someone and instead try to control the direction of the relationship by demanding to know how the other person feels, it's because of insecurity. This isn't to say that after a certain amount of time it's smart to figure out where things are going, but in the beginning stages it's extremely important to keep the pressure off.

3. Looking for problems. This is where self-fulfilling prophecies can come into play. When we come into a relationship with trust issues and general insecurity, we can be suspicious and confrontational, looking for problems which don't even exist. The result is usually pushing a partner away, because they're constantly put on the defensive, often for things they haven't even had any part in.

Tips to Overcome Insecurity in a Relationship

1. Let it grow naturally. Staying in the moment will not only help you enjoy those wonderful moments of getting to know someone, but will allow you to stay truly connected to your partner.
Pay attention to them, and pay attention to how you feel with them. Too often we're in love with the idea of love, instead of truly making an informed decision as to whether or not we're compatible.

2. Stop "mind reading". When we fill in the blanks or try to guess what our partner is thinking/feeling, it can drive us crazy. Communication means talking and listening - so if you want to know something, just ask! This will set a healthy tone for future interactions, and remember it's better to know the truth so you can deal with it, than to create your version and be surprised later on.

3. Focus on the good things. Identify what works between you and do your best to build upon that. When we focus on the negative, we attract more negativity. When we focus on the positive, we're in the right frame of mind to create more positive energy.


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