How to Assess Your Relationship

When we first meet someone and experience that “spark” – nothing compares to that feeling of initial excitement. Have you ever noticed though, how it can take over everything and before you know it you wake up wondering, “How did things get like this?” All people have needs, and sometimes the need/want for physical intimacy can cloud our judgement and stop us from truly getting to know the person we’re with. When one part of the relationship (like physical intimacy) moves much quicker than other (such as communication skills), we can be setting ourselves up for disappointment. It’s important to stay cognizant before we get in too deep and potentially lose ourselves – after all, as adults we should be striving to learn from our mistakes. By trying to stay aware of how you’re feeling, especially in the beginning of a relationship, we can save a lot of time and heartache in the end.

Dating is an ongoing compatibility test. In knowing yourself, you should keep in mind what qualities you’re willing to compromise on, and which are dealbreakers. Pay attention to your emotional health as you date someone and do not confuse love with the wanting of love. Love is not about completing someone or being completed, it’s about two complete people coming together to enrich and add to each others’ lives. Stay aware with these important questions:

1. Do you feel good about yourself when you’re around this person? Do feel you relaxed and confident or has your life become fraught with anxiety since this person came into your life?
Do you feel like you’re being yourself in the relationship or simply reacting to them?

2. Are your needs being met? How is the give and take? Are you giving more than you’re receiving? Have you been clear with yourself about what your needs are?

3. Are you having fun? Are you buddies with your mate as well as lovers?

4. Is there a lot of sacrifice going on and how often? Does it feel different than compromising?

5. Do you ever get the message that there’s something wrong with you from this person? Do they blame you for things that are not your fault?

Our need for love and affection can sometimes be greater than the love we have for ourselves. Remember you can only control yourself and your reactions when it comes to others, and your happiness is your own responsibility.

Ragna Stamm'ler-Adamson